A Plea to Matt Damon

February 25, 2008 at 11:33 pm Leave a comment

Ok, for starters, if you’re not Matt Damon, you need not read this post. This is a personal discussion between him and I, and I’d appreciate it if you keep your fat nose out of this.

Matt, I just saw this article and I wanted to drop you a note because I’m worried about you. I think you’re a really great guy, with a lot of potential, but some of your recent behavior is cause for concern. I think that your H2O Africa project is awesome – it’s really, really great, and water scarcity and the lack of clean drinking water in Africa and other 3rd world locales is truly an important issue that needs to be supported by everyone, not to mention super-famous people like you who can bring extra attention to the cause. That being said, I think the whole partnership-with-Pepsi thing is problematic. I know that Pepsi is giving H2O Africa lots of money, which is great, but Pepsi is the devil, and you wouldn’t take money from the devil, would you? (nevermind, don’t answer that).

Let’s put this another way. Pepsi is one of the leading bottled water manufacturers in the world, meaning that is a leader in the water privatization industry, which is evil. Basically, Pepsi, along with its evil twin Coke (and awkward foreign-raised brother Nestle), is bottling up the world’s public fresh water in “disposable” plastic that doesn’t have a 5 cent deposit, burning fuel in big trucks to ship the bottles, selling the bottles people that have been falsely convinced that their tap water is no longer clean and safe, and making HUGE profits as our earth is enshrouded in greenhouse gases, our fresh water sources are drying up, and landfills are overflowing with toxic plastics.

Are you sure you want to be involved with these guys? Aren’t you powerful enough to walk away from them, and courageous enough to speak out about who they really are? And don’t you remember Project Phin? (Yes, I said it: Project Phin is a lame faux-green (chartreuse?) cause to get on board with – I was shocked and appalled when I saw you were aligning yourself with a pro-corn-ethanol organization. You obviously hadn’t done your research, and now all these reports are coming out about how bad ethanol really is and you look a bit stupid – almost as stupid as that doofus Ben Affleck.) Do you really want to make another embarassing and wasteful mistake?

I’m sorry to throw the harsh reality right in your face like this, but I know you can take it. I just want you to stop and ask yourself: What would Jason Bourne do? Would he smile and align himself with a socially irrisponsible mega-corporation for a measley $2.5 million? Would he would take a green-wash bath full of sudzy denial like this?:


I doubt it. The Jason Bourne I know would never sink so low (although I have heard that he does have a pink and purple bathtub that he soaks in after spending weeks running from government stooges and hitmen). No, he would never get in bed with big-wig-fat-cat-dick-cheney-loving-greed-pushers like that. He would kick Pepsi Co in the face – twice! And then he would figure out a clever way to bring clean water to millions of underserved Africans without having to turn to bad guys for help. Then he would take a sheet, use it as a parachute while jumping from a ten-story window, wash up and change in a Starbucks bathroom, and calmly walk away unnoticed.

Matt Damon, I know you. And I know that you are actually Jason Bourne. So why don’t you start acting like it and stop being such a douche? Do something good to make change, and instead of shaking hands with Pepsi, piss on their car.


Entry filed under: rant time, water. Tags: , , , , , , .

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